Let’s Start Saying Hello.
Even though we are living in a digital age that encourages communication through a multitude of platforms, it can be difficult to connect.
If you didn’t know already, building meaningful friendships takes time, attention, and vulnerable honesty. These relationship ingredients don’t always make it into the cake at the same time, but through the three categories below, I spill the tea on how I built fabulous friendships and how you can to:
- Foundational friendships in three places
- Helpful Thoughts to Build meaningful Friendships
- Questions to ask when getting to know someone
Foundational Friendships in Three Places
Conway:
Do you remember your first best friend? Like that first girl in preschool/elementary school who you don’t remember when you became friends with because the friendship felt like it always was. That feeling of innocent jealousy that would surface if she talked to someone else at snack time? Or the detrimental thought that they would replace you with the new girl in school?
Mine was Katie. I remember laughing with her a lot and whispering to each other about the boys on the other side of the lunch table. We were five years old already giggling about boys. Now I’m 22 and laughing at men. LOL
When my parents announced we would be moving to Morganton, NC, I remember bursting into tears, not because I was going to miss the town, but because I wouldn’t have the closest person I’d known to a sister just a few streets away anymore. Before moving, I remember being at Katie’s house with our parents when they gifted us matching sterling silver friendship bracelets. Even though we were five, they recognized that this move meant something more to us than distance. It meant we wouldn’t be holding hands on the swingset or matching our pigtails for school anymore. Looking back it’s clear that emotions surrounding a big life change, such as a move, when you are young, feel so permanent and inescapable.
Morganton:
Fast forward to Morganton, NC, a new house, a new town, and a lot of new friendship possibilities. So much new. Mama recognized that making new friends was essential to my young happiness so she started “Adventures with Allie.” Through some of the early connections she had made at the church and in town, she invited mothers and their daughters to a planned themed event once a month at our house. I remember some of my favorite themes included a Spa-Day by the pool, an Easy-Bake-Oven dessert party, and my favorite of all, a Highschool Musical watch party. After a few gatherings, I felt a similar warmth to when I was in Conway spending time with Katie – the female-bond feeling I have a consistent craving for.
“Adventures with Allie” set me up for thinking that I would always have girlfriends to celebrate with, but as I grew older, moved away from Morganton at age nine, spent lots of time at sports practices, and prioritized family time, I watched my female friendships dwindle.
North Myrtle Beach (NMB):
While I have had many kind and fun acquaintances throughout my growing-up years, making friends that I felt comfortable around, stimulated intellectually by, and excited to spend time with was a challenge. I found myself oftentimes either hanging out with my brothers’ group of friends, spending a lot of time with Mama and her friends, or just not having the energy to meet and then build new relationships.
After moving from the mountains of North Carolina to the shore of South Carolina, I found myself in a building phase again. I love the starting-over phase, however, with exciting newness often comes feelings of loneliness and misdirection. Yet, the seemingly daunting unknown can lead to the places and people we didn’t know we needed to meet.
I was still carrying the yearning for more girl friendships years after my move to NMB and until I started college. I didn’t have similar-age well-rounded female companions. After reflecting on what was most important to me in friendships, I discovered that I seek to connect through shared career ambition, an optimistic outlook on the world, strong honestly and loyalty, and a content attitude towards life’s simple beauties.
Back to Conway: a full-circle moment
I found this friend, through exercising my own interests on campus, being open to meeting new faces, and a little bit of luck. Cori was a Marine Science Major and I oppositely focused on Design and Business. While our studies and college buildings were on opposite sides of campus, we shared many interests, especially our love for creative writing and composition. Throughout our freshman and sophomore year, we ended up in three of the same core requirement classes–Creative Writing, World Religions, and Physical Health 101.
We didn’t speak to each other immediately and instead studied each other from across the room through smiles and compliments about classwork. I knew we shared a love for coffee because Cori would routinely arrive at our 8:00am with a thermos smelling of vanilla goodness. She often wore a soccer team hoodie so I assumed we had this sport in common as well. After about two months of adjusting to the college course load and making campus feel more at home, I had time to start building friendships and getting more involved on campus. First bullet point on my metaphorical “Making Friends” list: Talk to Cori.
The two of us were walking over Turtle Bridge talking after a World Religions test one afternoon, talking about our similar and differing answers. We’d spent so much time studying the overlaps between Judaism, Islam, Christianity, Hinduism, and Buddhism, and wanted to make sure we covered all the points we’d prepared. After our conversation about the exam, we effortlessly transitioned into talking about sports, music, new hobbies, and our current favorite classes. Through this conversation, we unveiled crazy overlaps in our lives that seem impossible without deeming our meeting, meant to be.
About a year ago we were telling a new friend how the two of us met and realized that we both called our Moms after that talk on Turtle Bridge and said, “I think I met my best friend.” Now, four years, two moves, and many sleepovers later, we still find ways to grow our relationship.
I fly to see Cori at the end of this month. Wheels up!
Do any of these lines sound familiar?
- Keep your circles small
- It’s best to have quality over quantity
- I can count my best friends on one hand
These are some of the things my mentors and parents have said to me about friendship. It’s true, the way you approach a friendship says a lot about the way you want the relationship to progress. I was able to find what I wanted from a friendship through journaling and discussions with groups of friends older than me. Try this exercise. Conceptualize and write about your ideal friendship. What activities might this include? How do you need to be supported emotionally? What kind of adventures do you want to go on? Etc. In the following section, I have listed some of my thoughts and tips for building new friendships.
Helpful Thoughts If You’re Struggling to Build New Friendships
-Open the topic of friendship with someone older than you and ask them how they met their closest friends. I spent most of my life thinking that the perfect friend would just appear but that’s not realistic. Friendships worth having take intention and a balanced effort from both people.
-Are there any areas of your life that are taking up too much energy? Try replacing these areas with an intention for the kind of friendship you want to find. This way, when you meet someone who aligns with your friendship goals, you have the emotional capacity and excitement to be a supportive friend.
-Sometimes getting to know someone requires you to give them space. One way my girlfriends and I give each other space now is: If one of us has something to talk to other about that required a lot of time and ardor to sort through, we ask, “Do you have the capacity for ___”. If not, we schedule a Zoom call to work through it at a later date.
And remember, it is never too late to meet someone you will know for the rest of your life and who feels like you have already known them your entire life.
Mainstream examples of girl friendships I appreciate:
- Jess and Cece’s friendship on New Girl
- Of courseee the dynamic that Carrie, Samantha, Charlotte, Miranda have created in Sex In The City.
Questions to ask when getting to know someone
-How would you describe your music style/what have you been listening to recently?
-Why did you choose to live in _?
-Let’s say you have three careers for the rest of your life, what would they be?
-What are your family’s Christmas traditions?
-If you were given $20 and asked to plan your perfect day, what would you do?
-What are your goals for the new year? Check out How To Make 2023 The Best Year Yet for some tips and reflection topics!
Through reflecting on what you want in a friendship, asking dimensional questions, and saying HELLO more often, you will find yourself in stride with friendships worth maintaining.
To see the rest of my question list click below!
Allie xxx
Leave a Reply